Finding Peace In Grief

A beautiful light was extinguished the other day and the world is a little less bright not only for me but for all those who new Uncle Gary. I struggle with words to express my grief and sorrow. I know for his family this is a deep loss and for his lovely bride, the love of his life, even more so. I do not want to dimmish theirs and elevate mine, I want Anna and the rest of his family to know what Uncle Gary meant to me.

Uncle Gary’s light lifted people he came across. I’ve always said I want to live in a world filled with human decency, Gary was the epitome of human decency. His heart exploded with kindness, love, passion, optimism and so many other qualities that made you want to be around him. I was amazed and envious at the different hobbies he could pick up and do with what seemed like perfection — horses, cigar box guitars, surfing and I’m sure many others. He loved life and life loved him we witnessed this through his travels, his work, his car restorations, his outings with his kids and grandkids — in everything he did.

Family was everything to him. The pride he had for his kids and grandkids was never more evident when he spoke about something they were doing or wanted to do. For Anna, his true love, he showed how pure love his love was his face radiated a glow and a sparkle gleaned in his eye every time he mentioned her. Their love was inspirational, the type of love we all want, the type of love found in Hallmark movies.

For me, I hadn’t always had Uncle Gary in my life, not through any fault of his or mine; it’s what happened when his father, my grandfather who never maintained a strong relationship with others in the family. Social media allowed Uncle Gary to reach out to me, just over 10 years ago. The one good thing that I find Facebook has provided, away for estranged families to reunite. I had met Uncle Gary one other time prior between my junior and senior year in College, when my grandfather had me come out for a visit with my cousin. I don’t remember much, I know that his kids where there, but there wasn’t anything notable in the visit. I wasn’t even sure why grandpa took me to see him, I knew he was mom’s half-brother, but really what did that mean.

Flash forward, to his friend request on Facebook just over 11 years ago, I was happy to make the connection, but not really knowing Uncle Gary, I had no expectation that this would be anything more than a passive “friend” on Facebook. You know the one’s from time to time you like a photo, they may like one of yours — your relationship never develops; never fully grows or blossoms beyond the passiveness of social media. Not only did ours grow, but I would like to believe it blossoms.

We met in at a restaurant in Orlando, with our spouses not long after we connected on Facebook. Uncle Gary and Anna had a rough day with their employer, but they still wanted to meet. I figured a few hours; how wrong I was — we closed the restaurant. The inner light that Uncle Gary and Anna carried, even as they were going through a difficult time, created an everlasting energy. When I say a difficult time, it had only been a few hours that they received the news that their careers were going to take a different direction. Yet, their passion for life, their optimism, their determination to overcome was not dimmed.

I don’t remember the conversations, but what I do remember the ease of the conversation. The man that sat across from me was a spectacular authentic passionate loving man. Laughter filled the air around us as stories unfolded giving us each a glimpse into

I was fortunate our relationship continued to grow. Every time he knew we were headed California he wanted to meet up. I called him out of the blue when we were in the area, they had planned dinner with neighbors, but they invited us to join them. Uncle Gary and Anna energy filled the night with laughter, the stories, the love, the passion. Again, I don’t remember much of the conversation, other than it was so easy like I had grown up with Gary in my life.

We once again visited them in 2019, which would be the last time I would see Uncle Gary. He proudly showed off his workshop. But that wasn’t the last time I spoke to him, during the World Series as a Dodger fan, he hit me up with some trash talk about my beloved Rays. Then again during the Super Bowl, though this time was to throw some props towards Tom Brady and the Bucs. Each of these interactions were heartfelt and my only hope is he knew the joy he brought.

I know that Uncle Gary lived a full life, his heart was overflowing with love. My only regret is I didn’t get to grow up with Uncle Gary in my life. I’m happy that I did get the 11 years, but a part of me that has a void wishes I had more so maybe, just maybe that void wouldn’t seem so large right now. I would have more of those giant hugs he always gave me. More of those “I love you”. I grieve not for what was, but for what I will never know.

The nighttime sky will be much brighter with his light shining from above on us, I know in my heart that he made the world a better place and he made me want to be better. As I looked at all the stars the lyrics to Candle in the Wind floated through my mind, the re-write Elton John did for Dianne, I understand the true meaning:

“Loveliness we’ve lost

These empty days without your smile

This torch, we’ll always carry

For our nation’s golden child

And even though we try

The truth brings us to tears

All our words cannot express

The joy you brought us through the years”

Uncle Gary your candle burned out long before your legacy ever will. We take a small part of that legacy and allow it to burn within us.

I’m not presumptuous that this grief of mine is unique, 529,000 candles burned out to soon in the US who grieve for each one of their family members by the coronavirus. We grieve for the spouses who have lost their most treasured loves and life companions. We grieve for the kids who lost their parents and grandparents. We grieve for those that lost their family, friends and the futures that will never be known. We grieve for this nation and the world.

I have faith that on the other side of this pandemic are brighter days, but it will take each of carrying forth those candles, carrying forth the legacy of those we lost with great passion for a world filled with human decency. If there is one thing, I learned from Uncle Gary is his passion for life we can find peace.

Thank you, Aunt Anna for sharing Uncle Gary with us.